Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
