I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
