no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
