she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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