he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
