just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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