the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
