Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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