happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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