I accidentally had phone sex last night
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
