The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
