I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
