i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
