she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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