he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
