Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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