I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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