Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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