No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
