I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize