Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
