I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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