you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
