Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
