i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
