how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
