Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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