i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
