My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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