did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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