Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
