I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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