as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
