she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
