she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
