If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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