I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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