I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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