How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
