two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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