You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
