the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
