Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
