I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
