96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
