Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
