happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
