Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize