i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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