I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Pants are for mortals
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
