i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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