Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
