luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
