Your mouth is God's brothel.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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