I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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